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(headbang) [21 Feb 2007|03:00am] i haven't been online in forever :) after this post i'm going to privatise my lj. or at least try to. if i can find out how. haha. those still in my frens list can still read it i think. those who aren't, too bad :P chiowsin.

(8 heads | headbang) [18 Feb 2007|02:22am] I'M BACK WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XDXDXDXD

(3 heads | headbang) [11 Feb 2007|04:08am] [ music | Chiodos - The Words 'Best Friend' Becomes Redefined ] haven't updated in ages. luq went to Perth. looks cool. can't believe he got to see MCR live before me. HIX is going some troubles i guess. meh. i'm just glad i wasn't the only one who felt that way about the whole thing. aidah and i is.. well.. nothing. :) i have no idea where i stand. no idea what to do. know idea what she wants. it seems that everything i do would end up being wrong and lessen my chances with her. damn. but i'm not gonna give up :) its funny. i never actually saw myself as putting so much dedication into getting an ex back. to me, its just further proof that aidah is the one i'm meant to be with. what i do know is that THE guy won Blast Off. and if he goes for her.. well, its not a tough choice who to choose. a soon to be celebrity or an emo loser ;) lol. i'm getting too screwed up for my own good la. the other day i had a fight with aidah, and i had this total breakdown, that i just COULDN'T be alone, or be in nilai at the same time coz aidah is around. so i took a loooonnngg drive to Hartamas just to see my friends perform. i just needed to get out. needed the company. i didnt tell anyone what i was going through though. just needed to be around people. coz i was so scared of what would've happened if i was alone. lol. dramatic. my friends make fun of my emo-ness. but i don't really care. coz basically anything they make fun of is true. i do go through all that. and i do do it too. so no point in denying it. i'm slightly proud of myself in a way. vvvveeeeerrrrryyyy slightly la. i'm kinda able to not talk about anything i'm going through with my friends. i mean they've had enough of me moping so i'm doing a slightly better job at acting happy then before. but still hard with aidah. i mean i still pour my heart out to her. which is bad. very. recently met some of my old KDU friends as well as Husna and KD. it was.. surprising. i'm glad they're all civil to me. its more then i deserve. especially husna. i mean we're slowly able to talk to each other. haha. perasan gila izrin. i'm addicted to Heroes. and Harry Potter. and Chiodos. and Calvin and Hobbes. i want her back.. i really do..

(3 heads | headbang) [28 Jan 2007|12:27pm] to whoever who might be reading this, i brought Krispy Kreme in my handluggage and sampai LA semua hancur. i got the topi if u want ;) i hope your heart gets normal again. the show last night was awesome. Creamson was un-surprisingly great. Luq WAS surprisingly good :P haha. damn. it seems that Luq cam lagi sesuai with Creamson je...? hmm. haha. we'll face that when the time comes. :P oh an interesting fact. the first ever sit-down-mosh-pit was created during Creamson's set at Bear With Me on the 27th of January 2007. lol. it was a great show. Ask Me Again was great. i didn't really catch the other bands. was outside with Nana and Lysa and Alda kat luar. jaga the door and ticket booth and merchandise table. lol. i was the 'chopper'. Lysa was the 'lighter'. lol. other times when i was not there i was walking ard alone in Hartamas. looked for some cigarettes. bought a drink. walked alone. sat on a curb for like 20minutes. lol. when the gig was done we went to Williams. i stayed for awhile. went back to the hospital after bungkusing my food. oh yea my mom was in the hospital. did an operation. but she's out now :) all's well. damn yesterday was a good example of how its hard for me to enjoy myself. lol. i mean i was at a GIG. i havent been to one in months. and yet i still chose to sit outside and ber-emo instead of catching the acts. except Creamson's. they rock. lol. Counting Heartbeats! i hate weekends.

(2 heads | headbang) [20 Jan 2007|05:05pm] i miss husna. :) not in the romantic way la duh. but after all thats happened, she's the only friend so far that i 'lost'. i mean yea i lost the respect of my friends, but they're still around. but husna, understandbly, hates me. haihz. its obvious why. haha. like what aidah said, its more about how i betrayed HER rather than what i did to aidah. she defended me, supported me, and basically cam trusted me a lot la. it sucks. she was wat i counted as my 'close' friends. sama taraf with acap, azwan etc. slightly higher. so yea, i miss that. haha. another new year's resolution : don't take your friends for granted.

(6 heads | headbang) [20 Jan 2007|12:28am] i wish the slow and extremely painful suffering of the following : Umair from Blast Off. Sabri from Subang. Aliff from KDU that punjabi dude from INTI. thank you.

(3 heads | headbang) [12 Jan 2007|10:41pm] whheeee i was right. :) guess who studies in inti nilai too? ;) haha. i dont know if it will be good or bad. two years seeing her. so far its been good. HARD coz i have to keep it all in, but good coz i get to spend time with her. and it shows how good a person she is, coz now she's, well, nice to me. not close or loving and sure ada those sarcastic remarks or reminders, but she's still.. i dunno, peaceful :) i guess we'll just see how things go in the future.

(headbang) [10 Jan 2007|12:12pm] i'm back. :) things are.. well, as can be expected. nothing is better or what not. i have a feeling about something. if its true, then i dunno if its good or bad la. haha. could be both. depending on where she stands :) going to nilai later. gotta register and all. probably gonna go back to classes next week or something. dunno yet. its funny that one song which kinda tell how i feel comes from an annoying squeaky voiced teenager and not some emo rock band or something :)

(7 heads | headbang) [07 Jan 2007|08:12am] Friend 1 once upon a time i had a friend. i was always scared he'd get the heart of the one that i love. even without meaning too :) they got close because i introduced them, and now kinda inseparable. even when we were together, if there was a big group hangout, they'd always be found talking or laughing to each other. now they have cute lil nicknames for each other, they are always happy when they talk or chat, he never fails to make her smile and vice versa, and she'd rather look for him to chat or talk rather than me. and all this without him even trying to do anything. he just becomes the perfect ''friend''. Friend 2 another friend of mine only met her once. and only for less then 5 minutes. suddenly, they added each other on msn and myspace. then they traded numbers. now, since they both just RECENTLY got single, he asked her out on a date. not so surprising he'd do that though. Friend 3 another friend of mine was a former bandmate from college. out of the blue, the night after we broke up, suddenly he calls and they talk for hours. even invited to hangout. Friend 4 this guy is the boyfriend of one of my, and her, close friend. i always saw this guy and aidah as the perfect couple. they compliment each other. and somehow in majority of pics they're side by side. what more, aidah is one of the only girls he opens up too about his gf and relationship probs. heck, he doesnt even open up to me. so yea. friends :) wat makes it hard is that she see's no harm in layaning them or getting close to them. to her its normal to make guy friends like that. and gayuting means something normal. and now that she's single, its up to her what she does anyway (rightly so). call me overreacting, but one day she'd go out with one of these guys. maybe :) some friends. and what's worst, is that i have to ALWAYS hang out with 2 of these guys. i have to pretend i'm okay with them and its no big deal. cant talk to the other guys about it. they just think i'm overreacting or crapping or its a normal izrin-emo-fear. hehe. kesian korang. every post is a sad post :) leaving usa tomorrow. seeya guys when i get back. cant wait to jam and play pool. u'd find me the same sad depressed izrin like when i left, or worst :) good luck. bye. EDIT i forgot to mention, friend 1 and 4 cant really be blamed for anything. i know they dont have any niat to do anything :)

(15 heads | headbang) [02 Jan 2007|12:11pm] it sucks when u know u have a bunch of backstabbing fuckers who are ur ''friends''. it also sucks when u know ure right about something that u were saying for about one year :) it also sucks when u know u have no more chance, yet u still dont wanna give up. it also sucks when just when u get false hopes, it gets dashed again :) it also sucks when you know that no matter what pun, all of it is ur fault. ure the one to blame. many ppl go through shit. some worse, some better then what i'm going through. but i doubt ANY of u have any idea how i feel. to get hurt and pissed off in one of the worst ways possible but at the same time try to handle the guilt thats rubbed in ur face every single day and thats in ur mind 24/7 because all of it is ur fault. so dont call me hard-headed. no one can get round to what i go through. getting hurt or revenged upon or blown off or cancelled out of someone's life is one thing. know its all ur fault and not knowing how to handle the guilt is another. mix the two together. and u wont even come close to wat i go through. wah i sound like a hypocrite saying all this especially after what i did. if i didnt have a conscience or feelings i probably wouldnt even be writing this post. it seems that no one seems to care the fact that i'm reformed. and that i'm completely obsessed with aidah :) and everyone thinks i'm still the way i was. that i dont regret it. someone even told me that the only reason i confessed was so that i'd get attention and be 'on the map' of the social ladder aka be popular. in subang at least. :) do people really think i'm that low of a scumbag? granted, i probably WAS. if i didnt regret it or if i'm not suffering, then u can think that. but (sorry aidah, i know ur suffering is incomparable to mine), i AM suffering. i DO regret. u dont have to remind me or rub it in my face what i did. or u dont have to talk shit about me saying i'm lying about my guilt. like i said, if before u could say all that. i mean, considering wat i did, calling me a monster would be an understatement. but cant any of u see how i am now??? i'm sorry guys, but sometimes i think that not even my best frens know how much i'm going through. they think i'm just going through a normal emo post break up phase. but cant any of u see??? this is AIDAH. :) owh and Awesome, dont worry. about the first line, its not u :) someone we know though. asshole. ;) i'd appreciate if i get some comments back. would be nice to get advice. though i doubt i'd be using any of it. ask my frens. they know i'm a pessimistic realist. always find some way of denying it. still, comment all u want.

(3 heads | headbang) [02 Jan 2007|05:52am] [ music | Atreyu - The Theft ] i have this thing for bands with female band members. not weird or sexual or crush or like that la. haha. i mean they tend to be good. they also give more variety if it involves vocals. example like The Subways. lol. it gives a sort of variety especially if its a duet-ic kinda song. Killola Paramore The Subways Yeah Yeah Yeahs Ash Flyleaf Melissa Auf De Maur (i think) Boys Night Out Eisley some of my current faves. in love with this song. i miss aidah.

(headbang) [31 Dec 2006|10:05am] [ music | The String Quartet Tribute to My Chemical Romance - Helena ] i'll give anyone rm 700 (since thats all i have) and all my guitars, pedals, clothes and shoes if someone can turn back time to 1st january 2005 :) or some time during june/july 2005 when lily went for umrah. or 1st october 2005. or 4th august 2006. or 3rd december 2006. only one person might actually care what these dates mean or how much i wanna change what happened before or after these dates. :) new years resolution : if i ever get back together with Aidah, don't ever lie again. stop/kurangkan smoking. try to be happy. not give up on making it work again. if i don't get back together with Aidah, lie better. don't have a guilty conscience. pretend to be happy more. don't wear my heart on my sleeve. not give up on getting back together with her anyway. in both situations, be less emo, or if that doesn't work, don't show my emo-ness too much. control my feelings better. spend less money on cd's or clothings or shoes. actually study. ooh my offer above also stands if someone can erase aidah's memories and not make her fall in love with me in the first place :) thats the right thing to do. it sucks for me, but it'll be good for her. then i wouldn't have ever hurt her. if i wanted to be selfish, well then my offer also stands if someone can hypnotise aidah into loving me back. ahha. :) jk. people say that the way you bring in the new year is the way you'd spend that year. 2006 i spent new years in love with aidah and happy and she was in love with me, i had great friends behind me, i was dedicated to HIX, everything was good, and thats the way it was for that 2006. 2007 will be aidah hating me, me having my own personal problems about my friends, and i get emo everytime i listen to HIX's songs that i'm sure i'll ruin it. haha. i certainly hope thats not the way the whole year would be :) on the good side, i actually turn to god now :) happy new year.

(2 heads | headbang) [28 Dec 2006|06:33am] [ music | This Is Halloween - Panic! At The Disco ] i've been trying to distract myself by downloading alternative versions or remixes of my fave bands. The Legion Of Doom. great mash-ups of all the typical emo rock stuff. lol. Richard Cheese. lounge versions of current songs. well, kinda current. alternative MCR versions. covers, etc. fave so far is the Emocappela version of I'm Not Okay. and my favourite so far, The String Quartet Tribute to.... (whichever artist). there's loads! Dashboard Confessional, Muse, Atreyu, System Of A Down, Linkin Park, Panic! at The Disco, My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, etc. the band's songs all played by violins and cellos and etc. all a great way of distracting myself from all the pissed-off-ness :) i miss her.

(5 heads | headbang) [26 Dec 2006|07:25am] [ music | The String Quartet Tribute to Linkin Park - Crawling ] lets all be happy fake fake smile :D :D :D :D lets all have a wonderful time. whee i was right. all my worst negative pessimistic fears came true. well not all. 60% la maybe. idiots. Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix (movie). Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows (book). can't wait.

(7 heads | headbang) [22 Dec 2006|04:22am] [ music | Cobra Strarship - Church Of Hot Addiction ] its cold. haha. had my first cigarette in like 3 weeks. :P i considered it a celebratory cigarette. haha. i'm sure u guys will find out why later. i've been treating my friends like shit. haihz. damnit. i shouldn't. lol. i mean they are the ones who have had my back. well i think la :) sorry guys, luq azwan and nana especially. message to everyone : if you have something good going on, don't spoil it for anything. if u made a mistake and have the guilt, deal with it. hide it and make everyone else happy. thats the way to live. i've been spending a lot here la. damn. haihz. my dear friends, dont blame me for not getting anything. i told u, u want anything gimme cash before i left :P haha. i got some stuff for aidah though. kinda dumb considering the fact that she probably wont even want it. haha. oh well.

(headbang) [19 Dec 2006|09:29pm] [ music | Everytime I Die - Kill The Music ] i found a cool mcr fansite. loads of rare stuff there. haha. thats made me happy. went to hottopic. i love that place. spent too much there. i'm thin as fuck. worst then before. i miss aidah. haha. surprise surprise. can't wait till i get back. at least i'll have classes and pool and HIX to distract me. over here, its hard. always being online and just staring at her myspace :D it sounds stalker-ish i know. haha. tak kisah la.

(10 heads | headbang) [13 Dec 2006|11:51pm] i wanted to privatise this post. but i dont know how. haha. so, ntah. i'm in america :) kalamazoo. and no the distance is not helping. distance makes the heart grow fonder. haha. i apologise if all my posts are all emo and sounds fake. but u know what? i dont give a fuck :D its my lj so i'll write what i fucking want and if you people want to fucking think its lame and fake, so be it. so, fuck you~ XD later i'll write about america. now, lets all just emo a bit :) since my attacks, i quit smoking. but now, i really feel like i need a smoke. why? coz i want to kill someone. i really do. well, 2 people actually.. no no, make that 3. haha. 2 of them would be tough, coz one was my former friend and band mate and the other is a rich bastard. still, can't hurt to try right? ;) hey u guys should be glad. now instead of thinking about suicide, i think about homicide :D brilliant. just brilliant. .... who am i kidding. haha. i get jealous. boo hoo. not like i have a right too. i dont. haha. i dont have a right to feel that way. but hey like i said, its my fucking lj so i'll write however i feel like :) owh well. on a slightly lighter topic. i just read husna's blog. and i dunno. what she says about her family, i can relate. i get jealous too when i see those ''happy'' family. i know now i should be grateful coz honestly since the wedding, its been way better. happy. but still. i want more. haha. of course i want to start one with aidah, but heh. :) i decided since no one believes if i say i changed or is changing or that i love aidah, i might as well stop saying it. i'll just live my life and if believe start believing me, then great. if not, nothing i can do about it. even my friends have no trust in me when it comes to this section =) i miss her. i keep imagining if one day i play pool at asia cafe with my friends and she walks in with her friends and a new boyfriend and she doesnt notice me. she would be happy and cuddly and lovable, but not to spite me or piss me off. she wont know i'm there. she just honestly feels that way about that guy. she honestly feels that. i keep imagining if that happens, what would i do. honestly, i dont know :) be jealous? i have no right. be sad? i have no right. throw a tantrum and snap a cue? i have no right. go over to talk to her? i have no right. beat the guy up? i have no right. cry? i have no right. so ntah. haha. i doubt no one can answer. most ppl who reads this has no idea what i did so they cant know. and thos who do know what i did, well, i think u'll agree with me that, yes, i have no right =) haha. she'll have fun. i know she will :) even if she loves me, she'll date and have fun, coz she owes it to herself. and honestly, deep inside, i want her to. i do want her to date. and be happy. haha. gila jekyll and hyde kan? 2 different people. actually it feels more than that. its like i have more then 2 different personalities. haha. though all loves aidah, one lived a lie, one is jealous, one is sad, one is mad, one wants her to date, one wants to kill himself, one wants to kill other people, one is sometimes happy, one is egoistic, one was flirtatious, one wants her back, one knows i cant get her back till i change. so yea. haha. fuck you to whoever who reads this and laughs :) if u dont believe me, then why do u read it? lol. e m o e m o e m o. wheee.

(4 heads | headbang) [09 Dec 2006|05:21am] so yea, i'm now officially diagnosed. haha. went to the clinic. the doc calls it anxiety attacks. so now i'm medicated. i'm on anti-anxiety pills and i also have to carry around an inhaler. kinda cool i guess. i always thought ppl with inhalers are cool. it happened again last night. the attack thing. i was driving. good thing i had someone else to take over the wheel. but here's a piece of advice la : don't ever drive if u haven't had any sleep for 2 days, haven't eaten proper food for a few days, can't breathe, emotionally unstable, crying, and ure driving alone. bahaya wowh~ yesterday on the way back while driving at 3+am almost drifted off more then 3 times. so yea. difficulty breathing i guess is become a norm for me. but when i get the attacks its worst. there's wheezing, tears, and i get weak. lol. all my posts seems so dramatic and exagerated kan? haha. but wat my sister commented yesterday sorta made me think kot. its my lj. MINE. so cam, i'll write whatever i want and leave it to people to think what they want. damnit. i miss aidah. i do. i don't deserve her but i do. one month in US, no contact or the least pun onesided contact. her best friends being the good friends that they are, and doing what they should, which is good. i'm sure to lose her. haha. i bet my friends are bored and tired of hearing me going on and on about all this. it sucks. coz i hate to leave this way. so later i might hangout with them. fun and hopefull emo-free and anxiety-attack-free.

(5 heads | headbang) [07 Dec 2006|05:31am] psychotic? :) well. i dunno. i guess its like, ntah. i can't be without her la. and its driving me nuts. it gets especially bad during night times. like ard 1 or 2 am. at those times i REALLY need her. coz it used to be like, at those times, i won't be doing anything else but talk to her. or, do the mistakes i did (sorry i can't say any details of what i did out of respect to aidah. its not that i'm hiding from what i did. i am ashamed, yes, but i'm not hiding, and i won't runaway. i'm owning up to my mistakes. i won't defend myself.) and now i'm not doing any of them, one stopping out of choice, one stopping coz there's nothing i can do about it. i need to talk to her so bad. and its during those times that i just go over the edge. but heyyyy no one believes me. they think i'm exagerating. they think ''owh its izrin the emo who's just crapping on and on and on about how he's regretting and all that crap''. they don't know what i'm capable of. i mean, i think only aidah knows. and i highly doubt she'd care. a good friend of mine told me that if anything happened to me i.e. hurting myself, i would hurt aidah again coz i would make her feel guilty. i laughed at her and said aidah would love nothing more then to see me suffer i think. i love her, and i don't doubt she loves me, but how could she not want me dead after what i did? the panic attacks are more frequent now, less so during the daytime. but i try to control it by having a drink of water. i've been sleeping with my parents the past few days coz honestly, i can't be alone. i'm really grateful for my mom coz she's the one who's been there for me. she hears me cry when i sleep beside her, come out at 3/4 am when i'm crying outside the door, or wakes up and getting me a drink when i can't breathe and start wheezing. the same friend as above also said that right now, no one can believe me, or what i say. i found out also that aidah kinda doubts whether it really is my mom who contacts her too or is it just me pretending to be my mom. so yeah. its either no one believes all this is happening to me, or they assume its just izrin exagerating. and who can blame them? i've been lying my whole life. hell, i bet if those who hates me reads my lj, they just think that ''owh its just another izrin way of getting people and aidah to pity him''. thats the way people think. and honestly, who the fuck am i to actually be this way? i don't deserve any of it. pity or my mom taking care of me or my friends being my friends or even hearing to aidah's voice, eventhough thats all i want. sometimes late at night i think only aidah's voice can keep me sane. even if its her just hurting me. i can't do this. i can't. not without her. i'm leaving for america for one month next week, and i PROMISE you that when i come back, i won't stand a chance anymore. aidah would be over me. she would hate me. she won't give me a chance even if there is. she won't take the chance. she won't believe i've changed. she won't believe i love her. she won't even love me. she'd just hate me and won't talk to me. and again, who could blame her for being like that? she deserves that right. and i deserve that punishment. i know this. i just don't know if i can take it.

(8 heads | headbang) [05 Dec 2006|02:13am] [ mood | nauseated ] [ music | Cobra Starship - Snakes On A Plane ] i just got back from the hospital. had a sorta-asma-attack this morning ard 6.30. couldn't breathe, i had sorta a blackout, cant sit up. so i woke up my parents and we went to the emergency room. it was bad. haha. saliva was everywhere, felt like puking, choked on my saliva, groggy, i was crying, and i was making weird wheezing noises coz i couldnt breathe. did some checkups, found out there was nothing wrong, just a panic attack. and probably coz i havent eaten proper food in like 2 days. haha. they put the breathing oxygen thing. now i'm back home. gonna go sleep. feel like puking though. i started having the attack after i read aidah's sms in the morning. i cried, choked on my own saliva, then started breathing heavily and i cant see coz my eyes had those bright spots. lol. but yeah, i'm okie now. i'm going to be out of aidah's life. she already deleted me off myspace and blocked me on msn so thats no problem. friendster i rarely check. so tinggal lj je la. haha. nanti balik US, if things havent changed, i'm gonna change my number pulak. so... yea.. i dont want her to find out anything about me. she deserves to be mad at me. so i dont want to spoil that for her by making her worry about me going to hospitals. its not right. i slipped up this morning by messaging her saying i'm going to the doctor. i shouldnt have. and i wont again. i trust whoever that reads this to not tell aidah. also, i dare put this post as public coz i know aidah hates me so much and doesnt care about me so she has no reason to check my lj :) toodles~

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